A new WordPress Quote of the Evening

Oh goody, a new WordPress Quote of the Evening has just appeared in the window. They were getting a bit repetitive. And I see it’s from Ralph Waldo Emerson, the great US polymath who invented the lightbulb.

He writes: “There is creative reading as well as creative writing.”

Now, Ralphy, of all people, you know there is too, creative arithmetic!

Your good friend and accountant,

Ernst

How to hoptimise your hinternet!

Well, we’re back up to 11 Comments now, equalling the previous record of 11 Comments. It’s really quite gratifying. I suspect the vertical decent to just one Comment last week must have had something to do with it being August and Comments being away on holiday.

Someone helpfully suggests today that I should bogl on the subject of how to write a blog, which is quite an interesting suggestion as I’d like to know myself. I only know how to write bogls, which are quite different.

Of course, I should want paying for my good advice and have consequently introduced the ‘paper-clip’ system I was told about last week. I have been sitting here clipping all day and an impressive number of clips have already accrued to my account. I believe each is worth approximately 0.0001 pence. It’s exciting: rather like collecting Mr Morrison’s saving stamps, one anticipates going virile anyday as the millions of 0.0001 pences roll in!

So, here is the first ‘tip’ for boglers, that I am giving away free (just this once!) as an inducement to fans to ‘follow’ Uncle Bogler on his journey through bogland:

#1: To make your search engine completely optimistic, be sure to use plenty of Hs at 5% to 10% dentistry.

There, that’s worth 100 clips anyday, nein? By the by, there’s no need  to go to all the trouble of making your kind Comments anymore, just spend a few minutes actively clipping on my bogl every night before bed, I will get the message, thanks.

Dr Ernst P von Bogl, Professor and Attorney at Law

Uncle Bogler’s Dog

Uncle Bogler’s Dog

Watson: But the dog did nothing in the nighttime!

Holmes: Au contraire, Watson. The dog farted and snored continually, until I was obliged to lock it in Mrs Hudson’s pantry, where the confounded creature whined and scratched until daybreak.

Watson: Ah, my dear fellow. I had imagined that was you at the violin…

YOU CAN READ THE REST OF ‘UNCLE BOGLER’S DOG’ ONLINE BUT I HAVE TO EMAIL IT COS I CAN’T WORK OUT HOW YOU POST STUFF TO KINDL. IT’S GOT PICTURES! 142 pages ONLY £3.99.

East Enders

New TV crime drama are looking for males of eastern European decent (sic) to play Thugs. You must be male, between 16yrs and 60yrs old, be of Eastern European decent i.e. Polish, Romanian, Russian, Albanian etc, must have easy access to Brighton. £92.00 – catering is provided throughout filming.

-Email alert from ‘Angel Stages’ casting website

The Belle was on time, trundling through the North Downs. Uniformed men fanned out through the rococo dining car, bearing silver salvers. Kippers for breakfast, again… Precisely between 16 and 60, he reflected, 44-year-old Boris Kriminalovitch stared out beyond the sooty window at the dank British countryside unrolling in the middle distance, his pale-blue, Eastern European male eyes giving nothing away. A curious cow stared back. Briefly, the Albanian-born chess grandmaster computed the economics of cattle rustling. Then his mind returned to the script he had been scent that morning. £92 was not a lot of money, better than the minimum-wage job on the building site in Peckham, that he had been doing on the black for a Russian businessman, the bastard; digging out his sub-basement. KGB for sure. Probably a mole… Free catering was a bonus, although the Borshtsch on that last job had been thin and watery, with barely a cabbage stalk in sight. And it was hard to eat while they were continually filming. So much for Austerity Britain, he sighed. You couldn’t even get a descent meal in peace..

“Dobry Outra!” came a familiar voice. Boris started. “Generic! Generic Viagra… well, I’m blowed. Fancy seeing you here! Are you auditioning too?” The Romanian smiled a thin, watery smile, surreptitiously slipping a small blue pill into the silver samovar on the table in front of them. Boris Kriminalovitch slumped in his seat, his male eyes glazing over… “Is that a blackjack in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?” grinned the Romanian, mirthlessly. “You absolute Thug!” Boris tried to speak, but his Eastern European mind was already dreaming of the onion domes and heavy flock wallpaper of the Royal Pavilion, that he would surely now never get to play.

Going virile

Well, here is looking up at you! I have definitely begun to go virile, with now eight (8!) new Comments in my Spam queue, only one of them from the annoying person who keeps writing at inordinate length to advise me how to improve my search-engine rankings, whatever they are, by using more ‘H’s, or something.

I am sure you are only hoping to do your best by it, Sir, but I shall use just as many ‘H’s in my writings as are required for the purposes of conventional orthography, not one more or less. Now go away, you impertinent baboon. Stay off the fermented fruit!

But how to make my little bogl more popular, to cash in on the second dot.com boom? It has been proposed to me by those in the know-how,  that I need to increase the dentistry of my ‘keywords’, to some intolerable proportion. Never mind. As an experiment, I shall now think of a ‘keyword’ and increase its dentistry ad nauseam.

And if I have not been Googled at least half a million times by tomorrow, the idea will be shown up as just another can of Spam, to which little hundsie and I have become quite partial. I especially enjoy twiddling the key! Here it goes, then:

Bum.

Oh,BumvvBumBumBumvdiddyBumvvvBumBumvvvBumBumvvvvvvvvBumdiddyBumBumBum

Bum.

BumdiddyBumBumBumBumvBBumBumvvBumBumBumvBumvvvBumBumvvvBumBumvvv

vvvvvBumBumBumumBumBumBumBumBumBumvBumBumBumBumvvBumvvBumBumBum

vBumvvvBumBumvvvBumBumvvvvvvvvBumBumBumBumBumdibbetyBumBumBumBumBum

vBum.

BumBummyBumdiddyBumvv. Oh, yeah, bum. Bumdiddybumdiddybum.yeah.

Did you recognise it? That’s right, it was Tony Bennett! Millions of fans Google this famous Tweeter and his popular song lyrics, they will henceforth be driven to my bogl by my ‘keyword’ offensive and I shall become instantly an overnight virile sensation.

It’s no bummer, mate! as they say down  in Queensland.

Prof. Doktor Ernst P. Bogl (By Appointment)

I’ll take the light

Richard Dawkins on the BBC this morning.

I didn’t read his polemic against religion, The Blind Watchmaker, but I read about it. I thought he was missing the point. Just as Monty Python was meant to be funny but Margaret Thatcher famously didn’t get it, so the whole point of religion is to provide a framework for irrational beliefs, and the Supreme Rationalist, Dawkins wasn’t getting it!

Irrationality, I believe, has played a valuable role in developing intelligence, as without learning to think outside the box, we would never have developed a scientific mind. Questioning comes from a desire to make sense of things, and belief in gods and divine agency usefully fills the gaps in our understanding.

And how big are the gaps? When I read in New Scientist that the first stars didn’t start to shine for half a billion years after Big Bang, then they all came on, it sent a shiver down my spine. ‘In the Beginning, the earth was without form, and void. And darkness was on the face of the deep, and God said, Let there be light…’ Who knew?

Resorting to prayer is understandable, volcanoes and cancer are scary — but ultimately futile. God can’t hear you, it’s you doing it! As a boarder and chorister, I was dragged to church every schoolday for ten years. ‘Worship’ was led by otherwise intelligent men who seemed genuinely to expect us to believe their pathetic, medieval nonsense about babies and virgins and people flying up to Heaven.

Bogus authoritarians taking ruthless advantage of credulous simpletons, over a succession of councils in the 4th century the church came to a power-sharing accommodation with the Roman state that has persisted as a model of governance into recent times.

As the church has diminished as a credible authority in our new secular Britain, so the state has expanded once more to fill the vacuum. Where once the church sought to govern our behaviour through the often murderous imposition of shared social values and ludicrous dogma, now the state seeks through its repressive security apparatus to pry into our every action and thought, to regulate and criminalise normal human behaviour, to impose the brute rationalism of the market on the Heathen.

I’ll take the light over the dark, Richard, anyday. Just depends which you think it is.