Home » Agony Uncle » Sir Thanatossios dies at 93

Sir Thanatossios dies at 93

The death has been announced today of Sir Thanatossios Boglopoulos, KCB (93), founder and proprietor of the global media empire, themindbogls International Corp.

Sir Thanatossios passed away peacefully in his sleep last week in the £1,000-a-night suite he had occupied for the past few months at the Streatham home of Miss Pippi Longstocking, thought to be a State Registered Nurse. He had been suffering for some years from a rare glandular disorder.

Born in Nicosia, Cyprus, in 1920, Sir Thanatossios came from humble origins as the only son of Stavros Boglopoulos, a hairdresser and kebab shop proprietor. A founder member of the EOKA independence party, Stavros was arrested, tortured and executed by the British in 1950. Sir Thanatossios however never held this against his adopted country, recalling with pride the substantial legacy his father had bequeathed to him, believed to have included a substantial legacy.

Never one to shy away from controversy, Sir Thanatossios made almost as many enemies in the media as he made friends in high places. He was greeted with public scorn in 1985 when he was quoted on John Craven’s Newsround as saying that ‘There is no such thing as sobriety!’, a claim he always denied, remarking with his customary wit that, at least, he could not remember having said it. The accidental sinking of the cruiser HMS Bulgaria during the 1982 conflict over the invasion of Rockall caused a major debate about editorial independence, after The Boglington Post carried the simple headline ‘Gertcha!’, at a stroke relaunching the fading careers of Cockney singing duo Chas’n’Dave.

Of his knighthood, awarded in 2003 by Her Majesty the Queen for services to journalism, Sir Thanatossios remarked jokingly that he had always thought the initials KCB stood for Kentucky Chicken in a Bucket; a remark thought to have gone down well with his old shooting partner and fellow Cypriot, the Duke of Edinburgh.

Ruling out a state funeral for the great mogul on the grounds that the Co-op was running on empty following the recent national outpouring of funds for the late Mrs Thatcher, Prime Minister David Cameron nevertheless paid tribute to the immense influence Sir Thanatossios had wielded over the British press and Parliament, and subsequently throughout the blogosphere, for four decades. Many sufferers from the medical condition known as Swivel-eyed Lunacy Syndrome would have cause to be grateful to Sir T and his ever-open chequebook, Mr Cameron added.

The prospects for British withdrawal from the EU and the dropping of the Gay Marriage bill from the Queen’s Speech had been greatly enhanced by months of responsible debate in the columns of The Boglington Post, which, Mr Cameron said, Sir Thanatossios had built into one of the great bastions of liberty and free…

(That’s enough Leveson. Ed.)

Sir Thanatossios is succeeded as Emperor and Editor-at-Large by his nephew-in-law, Herr Professor Doktor Ernst P von-und-zu Bogl (By Appointment).

Other news: pages 42, 43. TV, Crossword, page 44. Sport, back page.


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