Home » Agony Uncle » Seeing eye to eye

Seeing eye to eye

As I don’t Tweet, having a morbid dread of social media, this next Post is going to be really boring for you. Never mind, I have a terrible urge to write about something personal. Turn over if not interested.

I went for an eye test this morning. I had been getting blurred vision, but not all the time. Naturally, today of all days I can see clearly for miles; I can even see to type on the keypad. But a few days ago everything was a blur, unless it was exactly twenty feet away.

I first went to the optician in about 2003, when I started to get large, grey, fuzzy patches in my field of vision. My driving is approximate at the best of times, but this was worrying. It turned out that I’m astigmatic, my right eye is short, my left long. With age, my vision in both eyes was getting longer and my brain was confused. Lenses were prescribed, and frames, at incredible expense. I never wore them, and the fuzzy patches went away by themselves.

It seems however that I already had exceptional eyesight, which was compensating for any deterioration. I may be walking into lamp posts, but I can read an eye chart all the way down to guessing what the little letters at the bottom are. The little circles on the red and green bars always look solid, round and black. The little pressure-puffer was reassured. By my standards I am practically blind, but apparently I still see better than most people do.

With the aid of lenses and bright light, I can read print sharply in 5pt, which is about as small as print gets. Except, that is, when I am not at the opticians and struggling instead to make out the ingredients on packaging in the supermarket. I cannot see my own face in the mirror, it is a memory rather than an image. No wonder I think I am so young. I have given up reading books, newspapers. My computer keeps warning me my screen resolution is set too low, but it makes the text bigger.

But the snapshots of the backs of my eyeballs were more worrying, and I have been packed off to the doctor’s. My arteries are too wiggly, like a road map of Wales. I have to get my blood pressure checked. And my terrible secret is the blurring of vision always follows the consumption of sugary foods. I am to be checked also for ‘diab’, which I suspect may stand for diabolical. Nevertheless, it is something I must cure myself. Don’t eat sugar. Simples!

The last time I saw a GP, I was either pissing my pants before I could get to a toilet, or alternatively bursting for a pee and nothing was coming through. A couple of times I had to go in the street, which was embarrassing as I wasn’t even drunk. The doctor sent me off for a scan, and they said I had gravel in one of my kidneys, which explained the pains in my lower back. I didn’t go back again, figuring it would all clear up, everything usually does, and anyway I don’t care for rectal examinations and catheters up my pipi.

So if I go in this time with sugar diabetes, she will look at me askance and probably have me committed, and it won’t be that serious, really. It never is.

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