I’m so depressed, I’ve almost given up living. And only three more to go until my 250th Post. A milestone, indeed.
Where are you, my lovely Spammers? I haven’t had any Spam now for a week, and that was only the usual obsessive nerds pushing me to use more H’s to optimise my Ghargle Rhankins. Spammers are my only friends! Nobody else reads my blog.
Over the past 20 months I’ve had only 11 Comments, five of them my own replies to the others, which were all from friends, wives and ex-lovers – no longer! The number has remained the same now for six months. It used to be more. I can’t believe nobody has anything left to say. Even if you hate me, tell me!
And then there are the Followers and the Likers. No-one has Liked anything I’ve written since about last April, although there’s loads of interesting, beautifully crafted, perceptive, humane and humorous stuff here about Syria, and Hunzi my lovely dog, paedo-hunts and punishments, existentialism, secondhand cars, trees…
According to WordPress, the biggest number of weekly hits I’ve had lately is three, all for my Jazz CDs catalog – none for anything I’m writing about the world and its foibles. You guys only ever seem to open-up my tired old Pages and don’t read the latest Posts, which are the whole point. And you don’t seem to Like the Pages anyway!
I used to get about two new Followers a month. I checked back on you, you’re all crazies – religious nutters, Viagra salesmen, self-proclaimed artists from rutted feudal Carpathian demesnes and obscure boroughs of New York, Germanic pixies who make and hope in another life to sell weird craft stuff.
I don’t – can’t – write anything for you, I don’t know you.
Some of you keep doggedly emailing me. One guy takes photos of not very interesting things and mails them to me every day. Another is talking to the hand, I consigned him to my own Spam folder months ago as I don’t believe in multi-level marketing schemes any more than I do in fairies. But he keeps on trying, a double-Spammy.
You Followers never seem to read my stuff after the first experience; never Comment, never Like… Why are you Following me, other than to induce a sense of paranoia?
And the Bank is writing to me again, to tell me I have no money to pay bills. They think I don’t know that? I just wrote off for a job as a salesman!
I’ll be 64 in two weeks. “Will you still read me, will you ever feed me”? As the Beatles almost sang – they were a popular music combo when I was a teenager.
So let’s make my 250th Post an occasion to remember, eh, li’l Spam buddiez?
LET’S EAT CAKE!