Home » Uncategorized » The Pumpkin – Issue 8: Oh God, please make him stop!

The Pumpkin – Issue 8: Oh God, please make him stop!

Okay, I found the money. Vladimir lent it to me. Let's get spending.

Okay, I found the money. Vladimir lent it to me. Let’s go shopping!

“The International Institute for Strategic Studies Military Balance 2016 report … seeks to examine closely the changing nature of military power.

“On a grand scale, the report showed – yet again – that U.S. military spending easily dwarfed the rest of the world. With a defense budget of around $597 billion, it was almost as much as the next 14 countries put together and far larger than the rest of the world.”

Oh God, please make him stop!


I bogld last week that the 27th of Fenuary, today, marks five years since The Boglington Post was launched to a fanfare of trumpeting angels and a million fan march through the centre of Boglington-on-Sea. Since when, the town has been washed away again by a weatherbomb, but nver mind, it’s in a good cause. Who needs action on climate change? It’s fake! Bad for bidness.

And I suggested that maybe it was time to hang up my typing fingers, as I keep repeating things ad nauseam and not a fucking thing in the world has changed. In fact it’s all got worse.

Especially too as, you see where I wrote ‘Fenuary’ up thete? nd other egregious mistakes? ell, it’s partly me, and it’s partly this, muh li’l laptop thing falling to bits.

And you know what?

That’s right, good little cosnumer, I just went to the bank and I’ve ordered a ew one onlune. My, haven’t the prices gobe up since the Dumbfuck Brexit turkeys, the fish-porters of Sunderland voted for Christmas?

But from here on, now you’ve seen the problem – the problem at my end, that is, – I promise to pay full editorial attention to corecting the text. Okay? So it should be safe to read on.

You see, I just can’t give up now. It’s too great!

So great

Today Mr Trump has found another $54 billion dollars to spend on the US military, a mere fleabite compared with the cost of his weekly trips to Mar-a-Lago while keeping his immigrant wife imprisoned atop Trump Tower like a Slovenian Rapunzel, but marginally more than he has in his bank account.

It could of course be a calculated insult to Mr Warren Buffett, the Trump-critical investment manager and fourth richest man in the world, who is coincidentally thought by Forbes Magazine to be worth exactly $54 billion.

Or I would advise Mr Buffett to go into hiding now, as they’re after his money.

When I last called my US bankers for a snap check on the state of the economy, the USA was in debt to the tune of about $19 trillion, much of its marker being held by Chinese banks.

Are we to assume therefore that the additional borrowing is to be spent on visiting total devastation on Chinese cities?

Or is it to end up in the bottomless pockets of US defense contractors?

And who is holding Mr Trump’s marker for the $340 million he is said to be in hock for to the Moscow-located property investment branch of Deutsche Bank – assuming the bulk of the debt hasn’t now been factored on to some bad hombres who don’t use the word bank in their name? I imagine Mr Put-in could swallow The Donald whole, tacky towers and loss-making golf courses, Melania’s security detail an’ all, having trousered over $80 billion personally from his shrewd investments over the years in State-owned assets.

By comparison, Mr Trump is a financial minnow. I feel sure he plans to put that right before he leaves office.

But back to work.

In the grand scheme of things, $54 billion represents a 9% increase on the existing military budget. It will probably keep them going for another month of precision work on Mosul. It hardly squares with the pre-announcements of the greatest military expansion in history, nor curiously does it reflect Trump’s campaign promises to get the USA the hell out of foreign wars – is it for internal use only, one wonders? – but leftwing snowflake commentators are already claiming it as a crime against humanity. Which, when you consider the 16 million Americans who are shortly to be left without healthcare, it certainly is.

What is emerging from the announcement, however, is the astonishing news, who knows fake, except it’s there on the website, that a bullet-pointed version of Trump’s first Presidential address to Congress scheduled for tomorrow was granted first as an exclusive (‘Not a leak’) to the Alex Jones Infowars website!

Yes, it’s a war on information alright

Shock-jock Alex Jones is, by the look and sound of him, clinically insane. He has mad eyes and looks as though he doesn’t wash. Infowars is a notorious fake news website employing creative spelling, somewhere to the right of anything you can think of that is as far right as it is possible to get without your head exploding.

Infowars, Breitbart News and Fox News, Murdoch’s unspeakable US network (there’s that name again), are the principal sources Trump believes he can trust. Everything else is so fake, they’re fake. So fake. Believe me, they’re fake. Fake. Faker than me!

Only the Whiteyleaks Channel, by which I mean the desperate cabal of senior White House staffers reminiscent of the officer-class inmates of Colditz, who have been flooding the market with anguished smuggled messages since Day One about Trump’s fumbling incompetence, ignorance, flea-level attention span, unwillingness to listen to normal people and total unfitness for office, is reported by the alt-media – TYT, Rachel Maddow/MSNBC, David Pakman, Keith Olbermann, Mike Malloy – you name ’em, I personally trust ’em – is making sense of a confused situation wherein 85% of Republican voters polled think the President is ‘doing a good job’, while 84% of Democrat voters think he’s a disaster.

They have stated, and we have no reason to disbelieve them, that the staffers have had to make stuff up and send it to Breitbart and the others saying how great Trumpy is, what good things he is doing, how successful his wise decisions have been, just to have something to show him on the only sources he trusts, because Bannon has said he can trust them, to keep him calm. Otherwise if he sees critical stuff about him in the real media, the Enemies of the People, he goes crazy, tweeting abuse they have to try somehow to control.

I’m sorry, America, but this is the big orange infant, the 70-year-old child-man with untreated Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, the alpha orang-utan fixated on shiny TV screens, who keeps forgetting to take his Ritalin, that a bunch of Dumbfucks put in the White House because they ‘like what he says’ about how bad Hillary and Obama are, how the US is existentially threatened by Muslims and the New York Times, who puts in positions of unbridled power people who believe Jesus is coming back anyday now, and how by spending another £54 billion on foreign wars, while 30 million Americans get to eat possibly one meal a day and their kids go to bed hungry, he can make America fuckin’ great again and put everyone back to work – there being over 500 thousand job vacancies already available, that employers can’t fill because the unemployed pool has no qualifications – by pushing defense spending over the three-quarters of a trillion dollars mark his erection will come back?

And for what? What’s his reason? The US already spends more on excitingly incendiary military crap than the next seven nations including Russia and China combined.

Admittedly, much of it goes on manufacturing armaments the US exports directly to scumbag regimes around the world to do its job, money that comes back to the US from the oil revenues companies like Exxon generate for their kleptocratic dictactor clients who rely on foreign aid to keep their cowed subjects barely alive in shithole shanty towns while they squander it on grandiose palaces and living it up in Western brothels and casinos; investing in £multi-million Knightsbridge apartments that remain empty and keeping people who need housing squatting in abandoned Mayfair tenements within sight of Buckingham, fucking ’em Palace.

I cannot believe there is a single military analyst or serving general not auditioning for the remake of Dr Strangelove who would argue that US forces given more money would have any quicker success against the country’s guileful enemies. Surely to God the Great Military Leader (quote from the draft-dodger: ‘I was probably better trained militarily than many of those guys in the military’ – The Wit and Wisdom of Donald J Trump, who attended for a few years a military boarding-school where they wore absurdly self-aggrandising Napoleonic war uniforms and lived to traduce the 82.4 thousand US grunts who gave their lives in the Vietnam War – can you not see what a repulsive narcissist ansd moral imbecile the man is?) … surely to God he learned something from the Vietnam debacle, that wasn’t about money but about the American ego?

He is one sick, senile old fucker, that’s for sure. Please understand, we bear you no ill-will, but no-one outside your country can comprehend why you believe in this preposterous charlatan and his inarticulate bullshit speeches?

(By the way, I am not saying these rude things about the sacred office of President, but about the ingenious fucker who has stolen it on behalf of some bad hombres who wouldn’t piss on you if the bar was closed. Just so you know.)


Hate him!

“In the interview with Fox, Trump accused Obama and his allies of possible involvement in the leaks of information from the White House. “Some of the leaks possibly come from that group,” Trump said in the interview.

“You know, some of the leaks – which are really very serious leaks because they’re very bad in terms of national security – but I also understand that’s politics and it will probably continue.” –  Guardian Today

One, how would the departed President and his ‘allies’ be leaking from inside the White House? Unless they’re leaking in?

Two, isn’t holding talks about North Korean missile launches with the Japanese premier at a table surrounded by selfie-taking Dumbfuck members of his Mar-a-Lago ‘Winter White House’ golf resort ‘very bad in terms of national security’?

Three, in what way do ‘leaks’ from the White House about how useless Trump actually is compromise ‘national security’? Any more than Trump telling Putin in person that he’s thinking of abrogating the strategic arms limitation treaty. which if true would be an act of treason?

Four, isn’t this a play he’s got from Turkey’s President Erdogan, who has invented a pantomime villain exiled in America, his old buddy Fetullah Gulen, to blame for all the shit that’s going down through his own bullying and narcissistic incompetence? At least Erdogan puts journalists in jail, he doesn’t just pay Spicer to squeak at them.

Five, how many times can you use the words ‘possibly’ and ‘probably’ before people believe what you’re saying must be true?

And six, does that second sentence of his make any sense to you? Me neither.

Is Obama going to be the new Emmanuel Goldstein, the invented two-minutes’ hate figure in ‘1984’?


Pots, kettles, Nigel

“As a party, how can we let a man represent us in the House of Commons who actively and transparently seeks to damage us”

An interesting question coming from Nigel Farage, the loudmouthed frogalike and star Brexit campaigner, who as a Member of the European Parliament has been campaigning for sixteen years to bring down the institution from which he gleans – it would be hard to say earns, as he’s rarely seen in Strasbourg and only turns up to slag-off his fellow MEPs – an annual salary of £85,000 enhanced with gargantuan expenses.

Mr Farage’s beef is with the only member of his UKIP shambles to have thus far secured a seat in Parliament, the turncoat former Tory MP Douglas Carswell. Mr Farage has failed to get himself elected on, correct me if I’m wrong, six previous occasions; while his successor as party leader, the fantastical Mr Nuttall, as reported elsewhere, narrowly failed to win the Stoke Central by-election last week.

Mr Carswell has been positively satirical about the controversy surrounding the award, or non-award in the event – of a knighthood to Mr Farage in the New Year Honours list; suggesting that perhaps a more lowly OBE would suffice ‘for services to headline-writers’.

There is no love lost between them.

But Mr Farage has his sights set on higher things. Having set in train the next pan-European conflagration he appears from a succession of pop-up appearances at alt-right Conservative and Trump supporter rallies in the US to have successfully inserted himself into the tangled web of ultra-Conservative billionaires and organised crime figures currently seeking to take advantage of, and indeed hasten, the downfall of democratic institutions such as the United States of America, lurking provocatively behind the gainly figure of the disordered manchild, Donald Trump, to enable them to operate unhindered in their global game of grab and go.

I fear that Farage’s vanity over his role in the Brexit vote, that we now understand to have been aided by powerful US corporate interests interfering with the campaign behind the scenes, his overweening ego, does not allow him to comprehend the incredibly dangerous game they are playing, while taking advantage of patsies like himself to make the popular speeches proposing new ‘freedoms’ which anyone with a modicum of historical knowledge will recognise as the beginnings of a modern fascist state.

Furthermore, from a piece by Carol Cadwalladr in last Sunday’s Observer, we learn that Mr Farage is ‘a friend of’ Mr Robert Mercer, the multi-billionaire, ultra-ultra rightwing hedge-fund manager and owner both of Breitbart News and of Cambridge Analytica – the company that ran a data-harvesting exercise enabling the Brexit campaign – from which Mr Farage had supposedly been excluded as being too toxic for moderate Eurosceptic voters – to glean information from Facebook and other social media about the likely voting intentions of millions of Britons in order to bombard them with personalised messages nudging them towards the Brexit*.

Allying himself with these fanatical deregulators plotting to dismantle any government apparatus either in the US or Europe that seeks to limit their aspirations for global dominance is a high-stakes strategy. Farage is, in short, a reckless idiot; and I have argued before that to put him in the overcrowded and defunct House of Lords on £300 a day might be the best way to shut him down.


*I have continued to wonder how it was that two million additional voters suddenly emerged from the woodwork in the last 48 hours of the campaign, to register for the first time – when we had had national, European Parliament and widespread local government elections only months earlier?

If they all voted Leave, then without them the referendum would have been a tie.

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